Types of parenting
According to developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, there are four key parenting styles. These are:
Authoritarian parenting- this is the most traditional style of parenting where the parents practice authority over their children. For example- if a child wants to go to a birthday party, then the parent might try to stop him by saying, ‘you can’t go, and I am your father- you should listen to me’. The short-term advantage of this parenting style is only that the child knows his/her boundaries, but as soon as the child enters the teenage years there are chances that they will start rebelling against the same boundaries.
Permissive parenting– this parenting style is the exact opposite of authoritative parenting. The parents let their children decide for themselves, which in a way is good for the child but it has many disadvantages too as the child knows no boundaries and makes too many bad decisions at very young age. Since, in this parenting style the parent wants to be the best friend of their child, it makes it a nurturing parenting style too.
Authoritative parenting- this is the mix of both of the above-mentioned parenting styles. The parent knows when to set boundaries, but also knows how to set them. In this type of parenting the parent leaves room for discussion so that the child can put forth their concerns and feelings before their parents. The main reason why this parenting style is considered ‘best’ is only because of its flexibility. By practicing this parenting style, the parent establishes mutual trust with their child.
Uninvolved and neglectful parenting– in this parenting style the parents are not concerned about their child at all. They don’t pay attention to the child’s needs and leave all the decision making on their children. The parent is mostly absent from their child’s life. This type of parenting often results in anxiety and depression in the child. It makes the child restless and they start doubting their self- worth because of their parents.
In modern times there are more names that has been given to different styles of parenting which are a mix of these four styles of parenting, namely- helicopter parenting, attachment parenting and free-range parenting.
Parenting in Indian context
Can you try to guess which style is the most famous style of Indian parenting? If your answer is ‘authoritarian’, then it’s correct. Even though India has developed a lot in technology and innovation but still when it comes to society and awareness, it’s still the same. This is not about all the parents, but a majority of them still haven’t progressed. When it comes to parenting, some of the parents are unable to adapt and evolve. The same parents have changed their way of living, their way of eating, their ways of communicating- but they just don’t want to change their way of thinking about their child’s life.
What do Indian parents think about education?
When it comes to education, you all must have seen many parents who think of medical science and engineering as the ‘elite’ fields of study, they consider arts and commerce as ‘streams for weak children’. But if we make a comparison, we all know that if a child opts for these two streams- there are limited options but if they go for humanities or commerce – there’s a big list of options to choose from. What is most disturbing is to see that they don’t understand that every child is different- their interests are different and their specialities are different too. Some of the parents still force their children to take medical or engineering just because somebody else’s child has done it. It transfers a very natural kind of pressure on the child- which stops them from even discussing about it again in-front of their parents, because obviously the transference of ‘maintaining the pride’ of their parents in front of xyz uncle has already been done.
Emotional blackmailing is their best weapon
Then there are some who keep telling- “we didn’t get to study but we are giving you a chance to study well and fulfil our dreams”- why? Why would they fulfil your dreams? Don’t they have dreams of their own? Why the child has to be the bearer of this kind of baggage? Children are made to believe that their parents have sacrificed a lot in their upbringing – but again the question is, was it the child or the parents who wanted to have this baby? There are some parents who keep telling their children that they are sending them to a good and expensive school so that they can get the best schooling. Seriously? We agree that parents always want the best for their child- but is this the only reason why they are being sent to the best school? No! Even parents do things because of society and peer pressure. They want their child to go the same school their neighbor’s kid is going, some of them want to send their child to even more expensive school because they want to hear all the praises about themselves and maintain that tag of ‘best’ for themselves.
Did your child beg you to give birth to them?
I believe parents must learn one thing- that if they are giving birth to a child, then it’s not the child who is asking them to give birth to him/her, it’s the parents who wanted to have this child. Yes, the parents are allowed to guide them, to scold them, to stop them from doing something wrong but the decision of choosing should be the child’s own. If they don’t do well then obviously the parents can still make their child believe that they’ll always be there for them. Openness and acceptance are the qualities that are required from the parents, half of the student population lacks self – confidence and their self- esteem is low too. The reason is only the pressure induced by their parents. These are the same children who later start rebelling against their parents once they reach teenage years. A little awareness about all of these things can be very helpful for both- the parent and the child. The only reason why children start distancing themselves from their parents is because of lack of support and transference of all kinds of baggage. I am sure as a parent you wouldn’t want your child to be distant.
Parents must understand that every child is special in their own way. It is only because of his best cricketing skills that Virat Kohli has achieved so much. If his parents had forced him to take engineering, then chances are that he would have been a failure- because he sucked in math, and this is told by him- himself in his interviews.
The responsibility of School management
Since, the root cause is lack of awareness .The schools should develop a well- organised , mandatory and a special orientation program for the parents of class 10 students, where the parents must be taught about all the streams and the career options in those streams. This program should provide career counseling to both, students and their parents. Lack of awareness can only be eradicated by complete awareness.
“Children experience shame as the threat of being unlovable.”
No parent is a perfect parent, the same way no child is a perfect child and no human is a perfect human, but what matters is that if a child takes birth in this world, then the mother spends at least nine months waiting for the child to be born- which gives her and the family the right amount of time to start preparing for this responsibility. Nobody gives birth to a child by accident, so when you start raising this child, teach yourself about parenting too and remind yourself that your journey is different and your child’s journey is going to be different too.
PS- “Affirming words from mums and dads are like light switches. Speak a word of affirmation at the right moment in a child’s life and it’s like lighting up a whole roomful of possibilities.” — Gary Smalley
